Mellisa McHaffie

That’s one way to describe how I felt on my drive back from Pennsylvania. I was not doing well. I was stressed to get back early for a class I shouldn’t have said yes to but I’m a people pleaser and couldn’t say, “I’m closed and on vacation, can we do it another night?” I was very tired, disappointed and angry I didn’t get the ‘silence’ I longed for while I was gone. My silent retreat was sold out due to my procrastination so my plan took a turn which wasn’t bad but not exactly what I thought I needed. I allowed myself to get incredibly tense from the long winding road ahead. I was worried and on edge before I started so when the torrential rain started in WV it didn’t do my nervous system any favors. I continued to wonder if I would be able to make the drive back.

When the rain started I was on a bridge talking to my daughter who took the brunt of my bat shit crazy and always does. I’m not sure why she still calls me sometimes. I’m a lunatic. I literally had a panic attack while I was driving which did not help me at all. I was angry I was alone, feeling abandoned by God, and wondering how I’m almost 49 and don’t have a person. It pisses me off I want one so bad. Being here just seems so useless without someone to laugh with and pray with and love. A partner. Parents, children, friends and family are different. I’m blessed to have what I have but I am so F’n tired of doing this life thing by myself. Seriously. I can post all the smiles but when shit hits the fan, I begin to feel extremely alone and it physically hurts. Sometimes instead of crying I rage and because crying and driving isn’t the safest I guess I chose the latter to dominate my drive. I chose to not enjoy the scenery. Although it was pretty much raining the WHOLE WAY HOME. BOTH DAYS.

Did I mention I was SO negative and worried and on edge and spread that to everyone that loves me to make them worry and even cry? 😦

That’s not ok. Why couldn’t I control my emotions? Why did a series of unfortunate events make me see all of it as bad? Why didn’t I appreciate what I did get to do and see and smell and feel. Fresh air, soft grass beneath my toes, a million birds and cool nights, lightning bugs and extra daylight. I spent one on one time at my childhood home with my bestie just relaxing with our feet in a unicorn blow up kiddie pool and really enjoyed each other, our friendship, and the fact that the state line is so close and we both liked different flavors of our seltzer packs! Bonus!

I was able to hug my Daddy on Father’s Day and watch him ride on a mower, work in his garden and fix stuff all week and it reminded me of being a little girl. So many great memories of that house and property. It hasn’t been loved in so long so it’s in need of repair and restoration. I have a million ideas and dreams of what it could be someday.

My retreat there started with no running water so the spring house needed fixed, then there was no hot water or pressure and since the water was contaminated by some dead critters I had to wait for bleach to run through the pipes before I showered. The devil was working overtime to break my Spirit and patience but I stayed pretty strong and rolled my sleeves up to help and do what needed done that I was able to do. I had given up on having a silent retreat and accepted that. I enjoyed spending so much time with my family & friends even though I did nothing I thought I needed to do while I was away. Maybe my plan wasn’t God’s plan. 🧐

My stay at the Pulaski House was interrupted by an intruder. He stole my peace like a thief in the night. I had gone to my Dad & step mom’s house 20 min away for wing night and came home after dark. That big old house used to scare me in the dark and even though I’m almost a grandma it was still a little scary. So I had all the lights on and was turning fans on because did I mention they were having a record breaking heat wave and where I was staying had no AC? I was going from the living room to the kitchen and I felt something fly by my head. It was a bat!! I lost my mind! I have been a single woman for a long long time and I’ve killed my share of palmetto bugs and wolf spiders, but a bat was next level and I quickly gathered my things and went back to my Daddy to sleep on his couch.

The next day we left the back door open for him to fly out and Dad went around to everything to try to find it and could not. I decided I was on vacation and started kicking the seltzer back early. I figured that would make me not be worried about a bat. It worked. I felt confident to sleep there that night and was passed out before the light was out of the sky. I continued to stay there for 2 more nights and enjoy the peace that property was bringing to my soul. Then Saturday came and I sat in the sun, put my feet in the kiddie pool, made breakfast for myself, spent time with my BFF at her house which was 2 minutes down the road, and took a 3 hour nap. Naturally that night I stayed up after the sun went down and was just laying on my air mattress I had set up in the living room watching some YouTube videos. I was listening more than watching as I was laying down with my phone facing up and the light shined at the ceiling. It was then I saw him…my nemesis…the bat!!! He flew right over my head and I jumped out of bed with the sheet over me trying to think of where my keys were. I was not sleeping in there and it was too late to go anywhere else so I attempted to sleep in my car. I was so freaked out I barely slept. Not to mention how incredibly uncomfortable it was, how it tried to shut off every 40 min and warned me with dings and dongs. It was miserable. I felt so defeated. I knew my time there was done and I would have to pack up and go spend the rest of my time at my dad’s house.

All my ideas of what that house could be seemed to disappear because the reality of the situation hit me in the face. I can’t even get rid of a bat by myself, how can I even contemplate being a snowbird and Airbnb that house? It is a peaceful retreat minus the bats, but my aloneness seemed to overtake my mood and it really derailed my inner peace. Unfortunately, I allowed it to happen and didn’t just feel the feeling and let it go. I tend to be a sponge and hold onto things much longer than I should. Sometimes I need the shit wrung out of me to ‘lighten up’! I passed my sullen mood around like Oprah gives away cars and now that my time is over I wished I hadn’t of allowed a little bat to do this to my goal of peace and renewal. It made me feel little, scared, completely alone, and angry at myself for feeling all those things!

I’m not sure how I was able to continue driving at times but I did get a couple of God winks throughout. I stopped at a rest area in North Carolina and noticed an old lady with a babushka on carefully climbing the stairs. She was in front of me on my way out of the bathroom and she stopped to smell some flowers. I rarely, if ever, see someone doing that and it reminded me of how powerful and unused that sense can be. I had seen rose bushes by my car and mentioned I wanted to smell them too. I leaned over but didn’t smell anything so she didn’t come over but we communicated with smiles. Sometimes God places people on our paths so we will stop and appreciate the moment. I wish I had continued to focus on that but I allowed rain and stand still traffic make me forget about it.

When I arrived at my home in Eustis I walked into a clean house because my neighbor cleaned & organized for me while I was away. I was blown away by everything she did including leaving a welcome home note and healthy snacks. There was one late blooming gardenia on the bush greeting me in the backyard and the clouds looked like pink Angels to me. I was definitely surrounded by Angels and I was reminded I didn’t have to go anywhere because wherever I go, there I am. My home IS a retreat.

My Daddy always says “if you want to make God laugh, make plans.” Well, I guess he had a good chuckle about my ‘silent retreat’ and decided I needed to have a different experience. I’m just sorry I didn’t roll with the punches in the best way. I’m mad at myself for being so stressed out on my drive home and lashing out on my daughter when she called me. I’m embarrassed for the panic attacks I had and for how rigid I can be and how easy it is for me to curse God and others instead of having that “Faith over Fear” I always talk about. I can give great advice but don’t seem to always follow it. I’m a flawed human and will probably always be a little bat shit crazy. Hopefully I can learn some lessons from these past 2 weeks. I think one is to never go on a road trip alone and the other is to speak my truth before I blow a gasket. I should have just said, “I can’t talk now,” but I didn’t, and I regret letting my resentment and impatience come out in such a mean way.

So what do I do now? First, I rest from my trip. I’ve already started to decompress just by writing this and I feel it’s a catalyst for the writing I wanted to do while I was away. Second, I sincerely apologize to Madison for making her cry when she was just trying to help me. Third, I unpack it all and spend some time with God. He deserves an apology too for the way I refused to believe I could get through my drive and for allowing my stress to make me feel so far from Him.

I am truly blessed beyond measure and I am going to try my best to focus on that. 🙏⚓️❤️